Feel Like a Networking Phony? Cure Your Agenda Phobia—Instantly
By Liz Lynch

I heard someone say recently that he hates to network because he feels awkward imagining that people know he has an agenda. “I’m making all this small talk and asking questions just to get them to ask me questions back? It seems like all I’m doing is waiting for the right place in the conversation to tell them what I want. It all feels so phony.”

Well, guess what? There’s nothing more phony than pretending NOT to have an agenda, because there’s an agenda behind EVERYTHING we do, not just networking. We don’t go to work every day to do our employers a favor. We don’t try our best on the job to make our boss happy. While those may be valid reasons for some of our actions, they aren’t the only reasons.  Each of us has a personal agenda.

I think it’s nearly impossible for any action to have absolutely no personal motive behind it. We may want to do well at work to be recognized by our peers, or to make more money to buy ourselves the things we want. 

Even when we are being altruistic—volunteering our time or helping someone less fortunate—we have a motive, whether it’s to gain personal satisfaction or to feel good about doing the right thing.

So, if you’re worried that your agenda is showing when you network, get over it. The important thing to address is not how to hide your agenda from someone, but how to advance BOTH of your agendas, because that’s really what makes networking work.

In your next networking conversation, keep these important tips in mind:

• Be interested:  Ask questions and probe to get to a deeper understanding of your conversational partner. People often have a difficult time articulating what they want because either they don’t know what they’re looking for exactly, or are afraid to ask. Create the space and the trust through questions that allow them to express their goals to you.  Questions like “What do you hope to do?” or “What is the one thing that would make the biggest difference?” are great places to start. 

• Be present:  Really focus and listen to what the other person is saying as they’re saying it, rather than letting your mind wander onto extraneous matters, or thinking about how you are going to jump into the conversation. If you tend to get distracted by people walking by or other activities in the room, try to position yourself so that your back is to the action. Also, paraphrase what you’re hearing to show your understanding of what is being said.

• Be heard: You’ll end up feeling resentful if you’ve done all the listening but end the conversation before you have a chance to be heard. Through your questions and paraphrasing, you’ve created the space and trust to communicate your own goals. So don’t be afraid to say, “You know, one of the things I’d like to do more of is…” It’s a great way to be heard without putting your partner on the spot.

Remember, an agenda in itself is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s all about how you choose to advance it and who you can help along the way.